10 Essential Rules of a Conversation

Have you ever had a conversation take an unexpected turn and spiral into a heated exchange or endless debate? Do you ever wonder what you could have done to avoid it?

We’re all involved in conversations everywhere, every day. But as often as we talk with other people, we don’t normally consider sharpening our conversational skills.

We all want good and satisfying conversations, right? Listening and participating in stimulating and meaningful talks is both fun and fulfilling.

A good conversationalist is able to consistently engage in these meaningful conversations. How? By following the basic rules of a conversation.

Yes, you read that correctly—conversation rules exist! While they’re not written in stone, these unspoken conventions have been observed for ages.

But before we dive into these rules, let’s get familiar with the different types of conversations.

Types of Conversations

Not all conversations are the same. We can categorize them based on intention, participants, and style.

Let’s go into each type in detail:

I. Dialogue

This conversation type is the most basic and common form of conversation. A dialogue prioritizes learning about and building relationships with others. It doesn’t follow a strict structure and is cooperative. Instead, it utilizes exploratory questions, anecdotes, and observations.

II. Discourse

If a dialogue is a two-way conversation, discourse is one-way. But just like a dialogue, it is cooperative in nature.

Discourse aims to impart information and ideas. Examples include office presentations and team huddles. This conversation type focuses on the speaker, but it gives some space for communicating with participants/listeners.

III. Debate

Unlike the previous two types, a debate is a competitive conversation. The goal is to either defend your point, convince the other party to change their view, or win your argument against another person by having a third party make a decision.

Debates have gained somewhat of a bad reputation because they can get toxic. However, having a constructive one isn’t impossible. Just give every side a chance to make their argument and you should be fine.

IV. Diatribe

If a debate has a shot at being a constructive conversation, this one has little to no chance of changing its domineering nature.

A diatribe has only one mission: to let listeners know the speaker’s opinions. When a listener disagrees with their points, they’ll counter with an intimidating response, which inspires people who agree with their stance. With that, a civil conversation of this type is near impossible.

V. Deliberation

Do you need to exercise decision-making with other people? If so, your conversation should be a deliberation. This type usually has two or more parties going over important subjects and making their judgments. Some debates may take place within this conversation.

Why is it important to understand these types? Learning what kind of conversation you’re in helps you respond better. Failing to understand types may result in committing conversation snafus.

10 Rules of Conversations

What makes great conversationalists what they are is their mastery of conversation etiquette. If you want to become better at that area, keep these basic practices in mind:

1. Be present in the moment and read the room

You may think that this is an easy rule. Unfortunately, some overlook this. When someone is talking to you, put your phone down and pause your tasks.

Since the person took their time to speak to you, show them the same respect by being present. Be an active listener and block out any distractions.

Check the other person’s mood as well. Exercising this sensitivity and thoughtfulness will go a long way.

2. Don’t make it about you

Conversations involve more than just one person. Whenever you engage in one, always remember that they’re learning opportunities instead of lectures. If you want to say something without resistance or pushback, you can always write about it.

This is one of the golden rules of conversations. Don’t violate it and risk being on the receiving end of the other person’s ire.

3. Make sure your questions are open-ended

This next rule is a great follow-up to the previous one. Engage the other person with open-ended questions (wh- questions come to mind) to learn more about them.

Asking questions shows that you’re curious, which makes conversations more free-flowing. Just don’t cross the line and ask personal ones. They’re annoying and, frankly, rude.

4. Let nature take its course

Random thoughts and ideas spring from our heads during conversations. While that’s normal, you can’t interrupt the flow and express them just because you felt that you needed to.

Journalist and public speaker Celeste Headlee agrees with this point. “Stories and ideas are going to come to you. You need to come and let them go,” she shares in a TED Talk.

If you want to share your thoughts, pay attention to where your conversation is going. If dead air is arising, then that’s the proper time to reveal your ideas.

5. Admit when you know nothing

Do you feel like you need to be an expert during your conversations? If so, you may need to let that thought go.

No one expects anybody to have every tidbit of knowledge during your talks. Don’t pressure yourself into acting like you know everything. Instead, be honest and admit that you don’t know something. The person you’re talking to will appreciate your honesty.

6. Don’t compare experiences

Displaying proper etiquette in conversations means being respectful of other parties’ experiences. Everyone goes through different journeys, which makes their experiences uniquely theirs.

Just because another person told you what they went through doesn’t mean you should talk about your experiences and equate them with theirs. To be on the safe side, share your story when asked.

7. Don’t talk in circles

No one likes repeating things in conversations. If you’ve already made your point, try to avoid returning to that (unless asked). Don’t drag any topic longer than necessary.

8. Don’t get lost in details

It’s tempting to stray from a conversation’s basic points and get personal and deeper. However, we recommend keeping them simple and conversational. Most people don’t have the time and energy for extra details beyond your common interests.

9. Keep it short

Brief conversations don’t compromise on quality. Getting to your point doesn’t require lengthy explanations. Cut the fluff to make other participants more engaged.

10. Be mindful of your body language

Actions are just as impactful as words. Watch your tone, facial expressions, and gestures. Remember to maintain eye contact with listeners/participants.

Go the extra mile and observe other parties’ non-verbal cues as well. Their body language can be enough to tell whether they’re listening or not.

The rules of a conversation don’t exist to restrict speakers. People practice them to become better conversationalists (and by extension, people). Progress will take time, so use that to practice and polish your skills.