On Romanticizing Struggle Love and Finding True Happiness

What is struggle love?

Struggle love is the idea that you need to make sacrifices and go through immense hardship in order to be worthy of love or have a successful relationship.

At first glance, there doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with that.

Of course love becomes stronger the more challenges it overcomes. Of course only the most committed relationships survive the most difficult problems.

But what we should focus on is the word “need.” The idea of struggle love makes struggle a requirement for the love to be strong. For the love to be earned.

And sometimes, it’s required for the love to be real.

Struggle Love vs Abusive Relationship

An abusive relationship involves a pattern of behavior that has one partner consistently inflicting harm on the other.

When the abuse is between people in a relationship, it’s called domestic abuse or intimate partner violence. According to the United Nations, abusive actions are used to “gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner” and can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or psychological.

Most abusive relationships where the victim believed that they deserved the abuse are examples of struggle love. In fact, you can even say that the struggle love mindset made the abuse possible.

Both concepts are often conflated with one another, along with many examples of toxic and even codependent relationships. What’s certain is that all of these are dysfunctional and not a good basis for healthy partnership — for true love and happiness.

The question now is how the idea of sacrifice in the name of love can turn into something so harmful.

Is to Love Really to Suffer?

Another concept that’s often associated with struggle love is the expression “Ride or Die.” It means being extremely loyal and willing to do anything for someone you love.

A person who is “Ride or Die” is expected to “ride” out all the hardship or “die” trying. It’s usually advertised as the greatest testament to your love and devotion for someone.

But what many fail to understand is that this refers to partners enduring the hardship together. “For better or for worse” envisions the couple going through sickness and health as a unit. It doesn’t mean subjecting one to sickness for the good health of the other.

With struggle love, you are asked to forgo your needs and desires to make your relationship succeed — to deserve the love and affection of your partner. You are allowing yourself to be treated poorly and constantly making yourself smaller to prop up your “better” half.

Does that sound like true love?

What They Mean When They Say Sacrifice

Believing in struggle love doesn’t automatically mean you’re in an abusive relationship.

Sometimes, that mindset is a product of societal influences and old-fashioned beliefs that continue to influence many people. Sometimes, you can even address your issues and save the relationship.

The key to getting off this train and avoiding the worst-case scenario is understanding what is meant by sacrifice in a genuinely loving and healthy relationship.

When you face problems head on and make the effort to unlearn problematic behavior to be a good partner, that is an example of good sacrifice. Of necessary sacrifice.

When you choose to grow as a person and as a lover, to confront your insecurities and internalized prejudice, that is a sacrifice made out of love.

But when you suffer on your own and keep giving without receiving anything in return, that is struggle love, and it is not — nor has it ever been — necessary to be loved and happy.